Letter to: A Headcase
I have been writing these posts as an assignment for an English class. I know. How crazy must I be to WILLINGLY allow a professor read my deepest, darkest secrets in the depth of my life. Well, you may be right. However, I don't care anymore. I don't care who knows anymore. It's my life. It's who I am. Anyway, for the assignment, I decided to write this blog about my life in the voice of Ida/Dora from the book Dora: A Headcase. Well, this post is for her.
Dora,
You know, talking like you is a lot harder than it seems. You're rude and cruel, and you make everything into an immature, usually sexual, game. That's just it: you're immature. You're a young teenager who acts like a young teenager. A damaged one, one that has been through a lot, but still. I am a 21 year old woman. I was in your place once. I was younger than you, for sure, but I was damaged once. The thing is, I never had the mind to make the mundane into a sexual situation. See, I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18. Turns out my first kiss also led to my first sexual assault. It's something we have in common. The thing is, you never learn from your mistakes or traumatic events. Although neither of us confront our traumas, I at least try. I take what happened to me and use it as a tool to learn. Learn how my life can get better. How I can avoid making the same mistakes. You, you never learn. You hurt those around you more than I ever have. You talk smack about everyone, but you don't even know how to fix your mistakes. You keep doing the same bullshit over and over. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for you, but I also feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine, every time I get close to someone I love, blacking out. It would be torture.
No, it isn't easy trying to be you when that just isn't who I am. I can't use your sarcasm and cursing and sexual comments to talk about death or suicide. I can't use it to even talk about my sexual assaults. Because I am not you. I do not have the same twisted mind that you do. I don't have this notion that everyone is always out to get me. Hell, I don't call myself by two different names in order to be myself. I hope you understand. I tried to be you, but I rather be me.
Sincerely yours,
Emily
Dora,
You know, talking like you is a lot harder than it seems. You're rude and cruel, and you make everything into an immature, usually sexual, game. That's just it: you're immature. You're a young teenager who acts like a young teenager. A damaged one, one that has been through a lot, but still. I am a 21 year old woman. I was in your place once. I was younger than you, for sure, but I was damaged once. The thing is, I never had the mind to make the mundane into a sexual situation. See, I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18. Turns out my first kiss also led to my first sexual assault. It's something we have in common. The thing is, you never learn from your mistakes or traumatic events. Although neither of us confront our traumas, I at least try. I take what happened to me and use it as a tool to learn. Learn how my life can get better. How I can avoid making the same mistakes. You, you never learn. You hurt those around you more than I ever have. You talk smack about everyone, but you don't even know how to fix your mistakes. You keep doing the same bullshit over and over. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for you, but I also feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine, every time I get close to someone I love, blacking out. It would be torture.
No, it isn't easy trying to be you when that just isn't who I am. I can't use your sarcasm and cursing and sexual comments to talk about death or suicide. I can't use it to even talk about my sexual assaults. Because I am not you. I do not have the same twisted mind that you do. I don't have this notion that everyone is always out to get me. Hell, I don't call myself by two different names in order to be myself. I hope you understand. I tried to be you, but I rather be me.
Sincerely yours,
Emily
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