Battle Scars
This one is by Lupe Fiasco and Guy Sebastian. Go listen to it before continuing. Seriously. I am trusting you to not read on before listening. Then, leave the tab open and come back to read.
Yeah, not really a stereotypical song people listen to. Or, maybe it is. I don't know. It sounds like a bad relationship, right? Well, for this one, I need to change your perspective. Think of "her" as self-harm or cutting. Now, listen again.
That is how I listen to this song.
I started cutting when I was 12, and I haven't stopped since. Don't worry or report me; I know it isn't healthy. I know it doesn't actually solve anything. I know "one slip and I could bleed out." Here's the thing: this is the only thing I feel I have control over sometimes. I have control. I can make it start or stop. No one else. For once in my life, I had the control. It wasn't my parents yelling at me that I'm doing something wrong. It wasn't my teachers saying I need to do better or pay attention more. It isn't me standing in front of one of my best friends as she bleeds out. It was just me and my knife. I have yet to have a cut bleed more than a few minutes. I don't cut deep. Just enough to feel the pain. To see the pain. To finally put an image and reason as to why I feel like complete shit. It isn't all in my head anymore, see? It is right there on my arm; proof that I feel pain right then and there.
Here is the problem with cutting: it is extremely addicting. At least, it is for me. Once I start, it's hard to put the knife down. I don't want to hurt anyone, not even myself, really. Although, no one else sees it that way. Friends worry. They go to worst case scenario every time. Honestly, I don't blame them. I know what it feels like carrying the guilt of someone losing their life on my watch. I have yet to tell my parents that I've cut for the past nine years of my life. I guess it's good they're kind of oblivious, huh? Or not. Depends how you see it, I suppose.
Look, I don't just cut to cut. I do it because I have severe depression and anxiety. More on that later, but basically it feels like the only way out. It makes me feel okay, even if it is only for a minute.
Yeah, not really a stereotypical song people listen to. Or, maybe it is. I don't know. It sounds like a bad relationship, right? Well, for this one, I need to change your perspective. Think of "her" as self-harm or cutting. Now, listen again.
That is how I listen to this song.
I started cutting when I was 12, and I haven't stopped since. Don't worry or report me; I know it isn't healthy. I know it doesn't actually solve anything. I know "one slip and I could bleed out." Here's the thing: this is the only thing I feel I have control over sometimes. I have control. I can make it start or stop. No one else. For once in my life, I had the control. It wasn't my parents yelling at me that I'm doing something wrong. It wasn't my teachers saying I need to do better or pay attention more. It isn't me standing in front of one of my best friends as she bleeds out. It was just me and my knife. I have yet to have a cut bleed more than a few minutes. I don't cut deep. Just enough to feel the pain. To see the pain. To finally put an image and reason as to why I feel like complete shit. It isn't all in my head anymore, see? It is right there on my arm; proof that I feel pain right then and there.
Here is the problem with cutting: it is extremely addicting. At least, it is for me. Once I start, it's hard to put the knife down. I don't want to hurt anyone, not even myself, really. Although, no one else sees it that way. Friends worry. They go to worst case scenario every time. Honestly, I don't blame them. I know what it feels like carrying the guilt of someone losing their life on my watch. I have yet to tell my parents that I've cut for the past nine years of my life. I guess it's good they're kind of oblivious, huh? Or not. Depends how you see it, I suppose.
Look, I don't just cut to cut. I do it because I have severe depression and anxiety. More on that later, but basically it feels like the only way out. It makes me feel okay, even if it is only for a minute.
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