Wake Me Up...
...When September Ends. Green Day. If you don't know this song, I have no words for you other than go get out of the deep dark vagina hole you live in and listen to it. This accurately describes my whole life. Yeah, I have some good times, but it seems like a never-ending circle of darkness and depression sometimes.
Chronologically, I got a little ahead of myself. I know, sue me. So, after my cousin Keith died, about a year and a half later to be exact, I also lost my Grandpa (my mom's dad). This was somewhat expected by my parents and mom's side of the family, but, as you can imagine, people don't really tell young kids that their Grandpa has already lived about 10 years longer than anticipated and could drop dead at any moment. Yeah, no. I mean, if that's how you roll, kudos to you. That's some ballsy shit.
My grandparents on my mom's side lived in Arizona my whole life, so I didn't see them extremely often. The only time I really saw them was when we went on Christmas cruises for Christmas (duh) and to celebrate their wedding anniversary. My grandparents were big proponents of having the whole family together. Ironic, considering most of us didn't (and now don't, even more-so than before) live in the same state. My mom's family is...crazy. That is all I can describe them as. Think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but more German. Everyone was always in everyone else's business, so guess what happens when someone is embarrassed about something! Let me rephrase that, what are the German and Irish known for doing? Yeah, that's right! We hide things and lie about it! Yeah, my aunt got a divorce, I don't know, about four years ago I think. Has yet to say anything to our family except my Grandma. But, see, we Germans like to talk, so she told our whole family all of it. Yeah, we are like the Greeks like that. Whether or not you like it, your family will know. You tell one, you tell them all.
My Grandpa was the person who kept my mom's side of the family together. Not a very talkative person, but he was always the voice of reason. He was like Geoffrey Rush in The King's Speech. He looked like him, too. Just fatter, less hair and all of it greyed. He had the potential to be a DILF in his 30s and 40s, even from old pictures I've seen from my mom's family. Once my Grandpa died, everything basically went to shit. Not just in my life, but also with my mom's side of the family. We all started losing touch more and more other than with my Grandma. I lived in the same city as one of my aunts, Mary and my uncle, Ed, and his girlfriend, Carol, or whatever maid housewife bullshit she is, and I still hardly saw them. My uncle especially. I would only see him for his birthday/Fourth of July party. He's the epitome of middle age crisis, but like he's stuck in it. Has been for as long as I can remember. Now, my uncle wants to be "more involved" in our lives. You know, now that my sisters and I have started building our own lives and finally got used to the fact that some of our family just isn't interested in being involved in our lives. At least, that's how I was.
See, that's what I find interesting. As soon as I get used to the fact I will be alone, someone decides to come into my life and fuck it up. I know, I know. Let me address the two things probably rolling through your head right now. 1) Yes, I am aware. I said I will in fact be alone. This is a true statement. Call me pessimistic or whatever you please, but you do not live simply to find someone else; you live to find yourself. Then, once you do, you're already almost dead. Hope you had a good life. If you find someone, that's great, but I don't believe in destiny. If destiny were true, free will wouldn't exist. Your subconscious wouldn't exist. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but it is not all planned out for you. It isn't that easy, trust me. 2) Again, call me pessimistic, but I am a very conscious person. If you haven't found out already, there are many times I let my guard down only to let myself be destroyed by someone else. I don't really do that anymore. It takes a lot for me to open up to people.
That being said: why am I here? Why am I writing to a bunch of people (I say a bunch like people will actually look at this, but they probably won't) my life story? Well, I'll get to that. For now, let's just say this is my medium of preference.
Chronologically, I got a little ahead of myself. I know, sue me. So, after my cousin Keith died, about a year and a half later to be exact, I also lost my Grandpa (my mom's dad). This was somewhat expected by my parents and mom's side of the family, but, as you can imagine, people don't really tell young kids that their Grandpa has already lived about 10 years longer than anticipated and could drop dead at any moment. Yeah, no. I mean, if that's how you roll, kudos to you. That's some ballsy shit.
My grandparents on my mom's side lived in Arizona my whole life, so I didn't see them extremely often. The only time I really saw them was when we went on Christmas cruises for Christmas (duh) and to celebrate their wedding anniversary. My grandparents were big proponents of having the whole family together. Ironic, considering most of us didn't (and now don't, even more-so than before) live in the same state. My mom's family is...crazy. That is all I can describe them as. Think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but more German. Everyone was always in everyone else's business, so guess what happens when someone is embarrassed about something! Let me rephrase that, what are the German and Irish known for doing? Yeah, that's right! We hide things and lie about it! Yeah, my aunt got a divorce, I don't know, about four years ago I think. Has yet to say anything to our family except my Grandma. But, see, we Germans like to talk, so she told our whole family all of it. Yeah, we are like the Greeks like that. Whether or not you like it, your family will know. You tell one, you tell them all.
My Grandpa was the person who kept my mom's side of the family together. Not a very talkative person, but he was always the voice of reason. He was like Geoffrey Rush in The King's Speech. He looked like him, too. Just fatter, less hair and all of it greyed. He had the potential to be a DILF in his 30s and 40s, even from old pictures I've seen from my mom's family. Once my Grandpa died, everything basically went to shit. Not just in my life, but also with my mom's side of the family. We all started losing touch more and more other than with my Grandma. I lived in the same city as one of my aunts, Mary and my uncle, Ed, and his girlfriend, Carol, or whatever maid housewife bullshit she is, and I still hardly saw them. My uncle especially. I would only see him for his birthday/Fourth of July party. He's the epitome of middle age crisis, but like he's stuck in it. Has been for as long as I can remember. Now, my uncle wants to be "more involved" in our lives. You know, now that my sisters and I have started building our own lives and finally got used to the fact that some of our family just isn't interested in being involved in our lives. At least, that's how I was.
See, that's what I find interesting. As soon as I get used to the fact I will be alone, someone decides to come into my life and fuck it up. I know, I know. Let me address the two things probably rolling through your head right now. 1) Yes, I am aware. I said I will in fact be alone. This is a true statement. Call me pessimistic or whatever you please, but you do not live simply to find someone else; you live to find yourself. Then, once you do, you're already almost dead. Hope you had a good life. If you find someone, that's great, but I don't believe in destiny. If destiny were true, free will wouldn't exist. Your subconscious wouldn't exist. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but it is not all planned out for you. It isn't that easy, trust me. 2) Again, call me pessimistic, but I am a very conscious person. If you haven't found out already, there are many times I let my guard down only to let myself be destroyed by someone else. I don't really do that anymore. It takes a lot for me to open up to people.
That being said: why am I here? Why am I writing to a bunch of people (I say a bunch like people will actually look at this, but they probably won't) my life story? Well, I'll get to that. For now, let's just say this is my medium of preference.
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