Iridescent
Linkin Park. RIP. I've always loved this song. I know, shocking; the depressed girl likes depressing music, way to fit stereotypes. If you don't know it, listen to it.
I realize I am getting a little repetitive, here. You get it, I've lost a lot of people in my life. Well, I need to finish my list. The last one is also the last of my grandparents: my grandma on my mom's side. Yes, I lost my MawMaw on my dad's side, but she died long before I was born. My Grandma, my last chance to have a grandparents see me graduate, or really do anything significant in my life, died the April before I graduated high school. When she died, I didn't just mourn her: I mourned the fact that both of the people who worked hard enough and set aside money for me to go to college debt-free, are both dead. It was watching my visions of someone saying they are proud of me washed away by the fiery depths of hell. Yes, I have my parents, but it's different. If you have grandparents, you know how their faces light up when they see you, and how filled with joy and pride they are when you do even the simplest of things. That was all gone, right before my eyes.
Once again, I had to sob in front of a whole church of strangers while they tell me how wonderful my loved one is and how sorry they are. But there is nothing they can do to cheer me up. It's like trying to make the guards at Buckingham Palace smile or laugh: it just won't happen. I don't know why I'm like this. No one knows why I'm like this. I go to doctors, and they want to drug me. I go to therapists and they want me to "talk about how I feel" when I can't even come up with the goddamn words myself. Alright, maybe I skipped a few minor details in my list of tragedy. I'll come back to them in my next post, I suppose. The thing is, my life is filled with these events that only seem to stop time. I freeze. The whole world freezes around me, and my life is turned upside down. It's like having an out of body experience, seeing the world from all different angles and just being shoved back into my normal place in the world. Then, the world unfreezes and I am expected to get back to life exactly how it was before. It's bullshit is what it is.
I realize I am getting a little repetitive, here. You get it, I've lost a lot of people in my life. Well, I need to finish my list. The last one is also the last of my grandparents: my grandma on my mom's side. Yes, I lost my MawMaw on my dad's side, but she died long before I was born. My Grandma, my last chance to have a grandparents see me graduate, or really do anything significant in my life, died the April before I graduated high school. When she died, I didn't just mourn her: I mourned the fact that both of the people who worked hard enough and set aside money for me to go to college debt-free, are both dead. It was watching my visions of someone saying they are proud of me washed away by the fiery depths of hell. Yes, I have my parents, but it's different. If you have grandparents, you know how their faces light up when they see you, and how filled with joy and pride they are when you do even the simplest of things. That was all gone, right before my eyes.
Once again, I had to sob in front of a whole church of strangers while they tell me how wonderful my loved one is and how sorry they are. But there is nothing they can do to cheer me up. It's like trying to make the guards at Buckingham Palace smile or laugh: it just won't happen. I don't know why I'm like this. No one knows why I'm like this. I go to doctors, and they want to drug me. I go to therapists and they want me to "talk about how I feel" when I can't even come up with the goddamn words myself. Alright, maybe I skipped a few minor details in my list of tragedy. I'll come back to them in my next post, I suppose. The thing is, my life is filled with these events that only seem to stop time. I freeze. The whole world freezes around me, and my life is turned upside down. It's like having an out of body experience, seeing the world from all different angles and just being shoved back into my normal place in the world. Then, the world unfreezes and I am expected to get back to life exactly how it was before. It's bullshit is what it is.
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